Afraid to love

i used to ask what's wrong with me. why can't i just be like any other normal girl? a girl who would easily say 'yes' to a guy she likes. the answer came eight minutes ago. yes, it took me 20 years to realize this.

i'm afraid to love.

i've heard a lot of boyfriend-girlfriend stories since grade school. some were successful for an hour, some for a day, some for a week, some for a month and some, for years. but eventually, it'd end for reasons like family, studies, immaturity and a third party. and i was sick and tired of it. i told myself, mine would be different. a lot different.

then i entered college. i met a lot of guys. have dated some. but none of them would pass for a boyfriend. it's all because i have this list of must- haves for a guy. i set up a standard for them. i kept telling myself, "they're not for me." when they wouldn't meet it. and so i was just disappointed in the end.

men are really pain in the ass. and there's no way i can change that. all i can do is just to choose the lesser one. hehe... i will not think about my list anymore. i'll just accept each guy that walks in my life as someone unique. someone who has a special character and i'll see from there.

but this doesn't mean i'll forget what my parents and my church taught me since childhood. i'll use those instead as a ladder in building a relationship with someone.

so i can still say, "mine would be different..a lot different."