It's over. You guys are right. I have to get myself get out of this situation. So I'm letting go...for real.
He's not worth it.
Friday, July 25, 2008
i'm starting to feel numb
the way he's neglecting me is pissing me off. but then, i won't tell him that...or maybe i should. what do you think?
Wednesday, July 23, 2008
tigas kasi ng ulo ko
Alam ko namang wala na pero sinendan ko pa rin ng message. Hindi na talaga ako natuto. Gusto ko pa 'yung napapahiya ako. Kainis! Haayy..pakibatungan nga ako. Hehe...
Tuesday, July 22, 2008
waaahhh!
i have to do a sensual dance next week!!!! i need help! do you guys know any website that can help me?
Wednesday, July 16, 2008
pass the message
"The popular commercial press, because it is popular and profitable, has broken the ancient monopoly of intelligence."
Monday, July 14, 2008
Another promise has been broken...
I told my boyfriend that I'm jealous over some girl on his site. I told him I don't like the girl because I can feel she's into something. First, she added 3 of my friends on her list including him. Her profile says she's from CA. But then she tells him she's from here. Grrr..I just don't like her. Period.
He said he will erase her on his list. But then he didn't.
I hate him.
Now I don't wanna talk to him ever!
He can call up that girl and spend time with her for all I care! From now on, I'll stop thinking about him. I will not talk to him nor send messages to him. I've had enough.
I don't know if he's doing this on purpose, but I just can't take it anymore. I don't wanna love someone who's so insensitive about how I feel...much more, someone who doesn't keep his promises.
I should have known better.
He said he will erase her on his list. But then he didn't.
I hate him.
Now I don't wanna talk to him ever!
He can call up that girl and spend time with her for all I care! From now on, I'll stop thinking about him. I will not talk to him nor send messages to him. I've had enough.
I don't know if he's doing this on purpose, but I just can't take it anymore. I don't wanna love someone who's so insensitive about how I feel...much more, someone who doesn't keep his promises.
I should have known better.
I used to think...
that people tend to suffer because they make a big deal out of small things. I used to think that it's either black or white..there's no middle gray. It's either a 'yes' or a 'no'..that 'maybe' isn't an option. I thought it's that easy. I thought it wrong.It's never that easy...and there are some considerations. And the reason why people get complex is because of their emotions. What we think and what we feel sometimes differ. And we're having a hard time deciding which one to follow. Should we be logical or emotional? Should we listen to the cerebral or to the hypothalamus? The answer is up to us. It's funny how we ask for advice to other people. I have always believed that an advice is something you already know yourself, but need others to confirm it. And sometimes, we wish they tell us the opposite because we just don't wanna do what we should do..because it's hard..because we don't want to... because we're not ready..we're not prepared..or maybe we just don't wanna give up yet. We're hoping against hope for something good to happen that would lead us back to where we used to be... to that certain place...to that certain person.It's 'denial' for some and 'faith' for others.The tragic is, people become bitter and afraid. Bitter for the 'should haves and could haves'...and afraid for the 'what ifs'.....And worse, we blame ourselves. And we're never the same again.If we get in a situation like this, what should we do? I don't know what your answers are. But for me, I'd pray. Pray for someone who would come and save me from this depression. That somewhere out there, that someone exists.....only for me.And when the right time comes, he's gonna come up to me and say, "Snap out of it."
Then you'd feel grateful for those people who had caused you pain..because they honed your strength, courage and perseverance...and in the process, prepared you for that 'someone'.
Thank you Jhen, for making me realize these things...sometimes, you teach me things just by telling me your experiences. But it would be better if you'd realize this also..hehe.. Peace!
Then you'd feel grateful for those people who had caused you pain..because they honed your strength, courage and perseverance...and in the process, prepared you for that 'someone'.
Thank you Jhen, for making me realize these things...sometimes, you teach me things just by telling me your experiences. But it would be better if you'd realize this also..hehe.. Peace!
A teenage thing..
This morning, my sister's friends came over. And one of them was Ken. He's a 17-year old teenager and a former high school classmate of my sister. He said he finds me beautiful and that he has a crush on me. I was like, 'Okay..' then laughed. I didn't know what else to do.He really is a teenager.Anyway, on the left are pictures of my sister and her friends in high school. They call me "Ate Sarah". Hmmm... they make me feel I'm really 4 years older than them.. Haha! These guys are just 17. While I'll turn 21 this year.
A thing about men
"If a man wants you, nothing can keep him away. If he doesn't want you, nothing can make him stay. Stop making excuses for a man and his behavior. Allow your intuition to save you from heartache."
The war is over
My heart was beating fast when he sent me a message this morning. He said it's time for us to talk again and he's done re-evaluating his self and life.
It's like I'm able to breathe fully now.
Gosh, I missed him so much! We didn't talk for 2 weeks and I was thinking that maybe it wouldn't work out between us..but it did. Seems like it even made us stronger and closer.
I told myself, I'll work this out with him and I'll be more sensitive and less childish.
He makes me realize a lot about myself... I like the way I feel...the way he's making me feel.
It's like I'm able to breathe fully now.
Gosh, I missed him so much! We didn't talk for 2 weeks and I was thinking that maybe it wouldn't work out between us..but it did. Seems like it even made us stronger and closer.
I told myself, I'll work this out with him and I'll be more sensitive and less childish.
He makes me realize a lot about myself... I like the way I feel...the way he's making me feel.
The irony of failinf in love
Boy meets girl. Girl meets boy. They fall in love. They argue. Love dies. They both suffer. Then comes the inevitable goodbye.
Have you ever asked this to yourself? Did you really fall in love? Or did you just fall in love with the idea of it? It’s hard to differentiate the two especially when you’re blinded by ‘love’.
Now, I want you to listen and analyze what I’m about to say.
Men lie just to get what they want. They tell you everything that is pleasing to the eardrum, change themselves if you ask them to, wait for you under the pouring rain just to show you how they wet their shirts, stay up all night just to talk to you on the phone, promise you the stars, sun and the rest of the milky way. And sometimes, they tell the biggest lie, “I’d die for you.” ( Oh, c’mon! )
Now, how would you feel about all these? We, as women tend to be so emotional that we’d start feeling so special, more beautiful, loved and cared for. Then we become soft and vulnerable. And we lie. Yes, you read it right. We lie. We lie to ourselves. We begin to think that since men are such adorable creatures, we tell ourselves, “Hey, why not? He’s in love with me. It might work.” After sometime, this lie would be sugar coated as ‘love’. It is not during the courtship that you think you fall in love. It’s during the relationship, because that’s when you develop intimacy and become emotionally dependent to that person.
You feel, say and act what you have in mind. So when you think you’re in love, you’re in love no matter what other people say.
So, what am I saying here? Simple. Falling in love is not something that your mind should be bothered about. Don’t think if you’re in love or not. Feel it. If you have a doubt, then it’s a ‘no’, so don’t force it. Don’t pretend you shiver when he gives you goose bumps.
Listen to yourself, girl. Don’t ask for other people’s advices. You see, advices are answers you already knew, but wish you didn’t that's why you need confirmation from other people. It’s possible that it’s because you’re not yet ready to act on it or because it’s too much for you to bear. Either way, you know you have to do it still. And the moment you do, that’s when you have climbed up the ladder of growth and maturity.
Have you ever asked this to yourself? Did you really fall in love? Or did you just fall in love with the idea of it? It’s hard to differentiate the two especially when you’re blinded by ‘love’.
Now, I want you to listen and analyze what I’m about to say.
Men lie just to get what they want. They tell you everything that is pleasing to the eardrum, change themselves if you ask them to, wait for you under the pouring rain just to show you how they wet their shirts, stay up all night just to talk to you on the phone, promise you the stars, sun and the rest of the milky way. And sometimes, they tell the biggest lie, “I’d die for you.” ( Oh, c’mon! )
Now, how would you feel about all these? We, as women tend to be so emotional that we’d start feeling so special, more beautiful, loved and cared for. Then we become soft and vulnerable. And we lie. Yes, you read it right. We lie. We lie to ourselves. We begin to think that since men are such adorable creatures, we tell ourselves, “Hey, why not? He’s in love with me. It might work.” After sometime, this lie would be sugar coated as ‘love’. It is not during the courtship that you think you fall in love. It’s during the relationship, because that’s when you develop intimacy and become emotionally dependent to that person.
You feel, say and act what you have in mind. So when you think you’re in love, you’re in love no matter what other people say.
So, what am I saying here? Simple. Falling in love is not something that your mind should be bothered about. Don’t think if you’re in love or not. Feel it. If you have a doubt, then it’s a ‘no’, so don’t force it. Don’t pretend you shiver when he gives you goose bumps.
Listen to yourself, girl. Don’t ask for other people’s advices. You see, advices are answers you already knew, but wish you didn’t that's why you need confirmation from other people. It’s possible that it’s because you’re not yet ready to act on it or because it’s too much for you to bear. Either way, you know you have to do it still. And the moment you do, that’s when you have climbed up the ladder of growth and maturity.
3 things I've realized inside the train..
On my way home today, I didn't expect I'd realize three important things in my life. Let me tell you what happened... A lot of people travel by train everyday so I knew I'd be standing the whole time. I held on to the steel bar to balance myself.
MOTHERS. I then saw a pregnant woman beside her husband. I couldn't help remembering one of the members, Sister Sandra, who's undergoing post-natal distress right now. She's like uncomfortable being herself after giving birth to Thomas, a cute angel if I may say. She's insecure with how she looks and in great distress thinking about the future of her kids. It made me think how important mothers are. They give birth, cultivate the minds and create the blue prints of their kids. I read this once: "there are two things a mother can give her child, one is roots and the other is wings". And that's something only they can do. I think it would help a lot if her husband would give her flowers everyday or write notes of love no matter how short or simple they may seem. And whenever Mom talks to Sister Sandra about her distress and encourages her that she'd overcome it, it makes me feel so proud of her. Though I don't really tell her that because well...we're not in good terms right now. I hate myself when I'm like this. Because whenever I'm offended or mad, I really don't talk to that person for a long time. In our case, it has been a month now. BUt my point is, I don't want to talk to her just because it's what I'm supposed to do. I wanna talk to her when I feel like to...willingly and not forced. But it doesn't mean I don't love her because I do. I'm alive right now because of her...it's just that..well, ..hmm.. i guess it's not yet time. It sounds bad and I know my pride is working on me again, but there's no other way to explain it. 6 DEGREES OF SEPARATION. The second thing I 've realized was when I saw a young girl playing with a yarn. It was then that I came to remember the '6 Degrees of Separation' I read in a book in the university library. It basically says that all of us are somewhat related to each other. And that means that all the people in the world are connected to each other. A friend of mine could be a friend of someone who could be the cousin of another and so on.. So that means that we are only separated within 6 degrees of relationship... does that make sense? This means that YOU are related to ME in a way. And that whatever we say could be transferred to that person on the 6th degree. Something we do or say could affect more than one person. That something could travel in a 'web' that extends to other cultures, nations or race. This thought made me shiver; how many people have I already affected? Did I affect them positively or negatively? Did I help build a better life or destroy it? These questions are bombarding me. We couldn't possibly take back what we've already said and done. But we can start doing the right thing today. Think before we speak or do something. But not to the point we'd change what we are. We just have to be more careful. Hmm... now I sound like my Values teacher in high school. Great! SOMETHING THAT HAS A VALUE TAKES TIME. And after I have thought of these things, the third realization came when I heard the song 'WAIT FOR YOU' by Elliot Yamin. And it's on the second spot on the countdown. Elliot Yamin has a very nice voice, like that of Craig David. But that's not what I've realized. Of course it reminded me of Brent. I like the message and I even thought he really knows how to pick a song..haha. Now, this is hard to explain. It made me realize that a thing that has a value, takes time. Trees don't grow overnight. Hah! I'm getting better with analogy, I notice. Well, what I'm trying to say is, I miss him. Some other guys I talk to get easily offended when I speak my mind, and others would just simply agree with me to put a stop to my questionings, which defeats the purpose of an argument or even a discussion. But I also know that this is not the right time to talk to him. We still have some 'unfinished business' to deal with. And before one can share to another, he has to be whole first. I'm making no sense, am I? Right. I should stop. I'm making no sense here. I'm really bad at this. So, it has been a long day. Literally and figuratively. haha! I learned a lot of things and in a way I'm starting to mature....i hope so.
MOTHERS. I then saw a pregnant woman beside her husband. I couldn't help remembering one of the members, Sister Sandra, who's undergoing post-natal distress right now. She's like uncomfortable being herself after giving birth to Thomas, a cute angel if I may say. She's insecure with how she looks and in great distress thinking about the future of her kids. It made me think how important mothers are. They give birth, cultivate the minds and create the blue prints of their kids. I read this once: "there are two things a mother can give her child, one is roots and the other is wings". And that's something only they can do. I think it would help a lot if her husband would give her flowers everyday or write notes of love no matter how short or simple they may seem. And whenever Mom talks to Sister Sandra about her distress and encourages her that she'd overcome it, it makes me feel so proud of her. Though I don't really tell her that because well...we're not in good terms right now. I hate myself when I'm like this. Because whenever I'm offended or mad, I really don't talk to that person for a long time. In our case, it has been a month now. BUt my point is, I don't want to talk to her just because it's what I'm supposed to do. I wanna talk to her when I feel like to...willingly and not forced. But it doesn't mean I don't love her because I do. I'm alive right now because of her...it's just that..well, ..hmm.. i guess it's not yet time. It sounds bad and I know my pride is working on me again, but there's no other way to explain it. 6 DEGREES OF SEPARATION. The second thing I 've realized was when I saw a young girl playing with a yarn. It was then that I came to remember the '6 Degrees of Separation' I read in a book in the university library. It basically says that all of us are somewhat related to each other. And that means that all the people in the world are connected to each other. A friend of mine could be a friend of someone who could be the cousin of another and so on.. So that means that we are only separated within 6 degrees of relationship... does that make sense? This means that YOU are related to ME in a way. And that whatever we say could be transferred to that person on the 6th degree. Something we do or say could affect more than one person. That something could travel in a 'web' that extends to other cultures, nations or race. This thought made me shiver; how many people have I already affected? Did I affect them positively or negatively? Did I help build a better life or destroy it? These questions are bombarding me. We couldn't possibly take back what we've already said and done. But we can start doing the right thing today. Think before we speak or do something. But not to the point we'd change what we are. We just have to be more careful. Hmm... now I sound like my Values teacher in high school. Great! SOMETHING THAT HAS A VALUE TAKES TIME. And after I have thought of these things, the third realization came when I heard the song 'WAIT FOR YOU' by Elliot Yamin. And it's on the second spot on the countdown. Elliot Yamin has a very nice voice, like that of Craig David. But that's not what I've realized. Of course it reminded me of Brent. I like the message and I even thought he really knows how to pick a song..haha. Now, this is hard to explain. It made me realize that a thing that has a value, takes time. Trees don't grow overnight. Hah! I'm getting better with analogy, I notice. Well, what I'm trying to say is, I miss him. Some other guys I talk to get easily offended when I speak my mind, and others would just simply agree with me to put a stop to my questionings, which defeats the purpose of an argument or even a discussion. But I also know that this is not the right time to talk to him. We still have some 'unfinished business' to deal with. And before one can share to another, he has to be whole first. I'm making no sense, am I? Right. I should stop. I'm making no sense here. I'm really bad at this. So, it has been a long day. Literally and figuratively. haha! I learned a lot of things and in a way I'm starting to mature....i hope so.
Words women use and their meaning..
WORDS WOMEN USE
FINE
this is the word women use to end an argument when they are right andyou need to shut up.
FIVE MINUTES
If she is getting dressed, this is half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given 5 more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.
NOTHING
This is the calm before the storm. This means "something," and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with 'Nothing' usually end in "Fine"
GO AHEAD
This is a dare, not permission. Don't do it.
LOUD SIGH
This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with youover "Nothing"
THAT'S OKAY
This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to aman. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.
THANKS
A woman is thanking you. Do not question it or faint. Just say you're welcome.
Oh, and before we forget ...
"Whatever"
...it's a woman's way of saying GET A LIFE!
FINE
this is the word women use to end an argument when they are right andyou need to shut up.
FIVE MINUTES
If she is getting dressed, this is half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given 5 more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.
NOTHING
This is the calm before the storm. This means "something," and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with 'Nothing' usually end in "Fine"
GO AHEAD
This is a dare, not permission. Don't do it.
LOUD SIGH
This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with youover "Nothing"
THAT'S OKAY
This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to aman. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.
THANKS
A woman is thanking you. Do not question it or faint. Just say you're welcome.
Oh, and before we forget ...
"Whatever"
...it's a woman's way of saying GET A LIFE!
Fake it 'til you make it
For the past few days, I've been trying to avoid thinking of him by doin' a lot of stuff ,for the fact that I know I'd just end up feeling sad and all. Of course that's not possible because almost everything kept on reminding me of him. It's funny how even the smallest thing could remind you of that person - things he used to do and say. Like, I was inside this vehicle looking around through the window, when I saw this guy with glasses, that instant he reminded me of him.
I was like that for days and weeks. Then I became used to it. I have accepted the fact that all I can do now is to miss him - and it's so darn habitual!
Just then, I thought maybe I'm not really over him yet. So I tried to recall everything that transpired between us. And I smiled. There's no bitterness or regret. Sure I miss him but not like, I miss him because I love him. It's more of I miss the friend he was once to me.
You know what I did just to test my feelings toward him? I went to our website and read through all the messages there. It was all sweet. It brought back a lot of memories but I didn't feel like going back to that avenue again. I just thought they're just part of my past. He's part of my past now.
So, if you wanna get over someone, pretend you're over him for a while and then time will come that you really would be, and you wouldn't even notice it happening. It's like, fake it 'til you make it.
It worked for me, who knows? it might work with you, too.
I was like that for days and weeks. Then I became used to it. I have accepted the fact that all I can do now is to miss him - and it's so darn habitual!
Just then, I thought maybe I'm not really over him yet. So I tried to recall everything that transpired between us. And I smiled. There's no bitterness or regret. Sure I miss him but not like, I miss him because I love him. It's more of I miss the friend he was once to me.
You know what I did just to test my feelings toward him? I went to our website and read through all the messages there. It was all sweet. It brought back a lot of memories but I didn't feel like going back to that avenue again. I just thought they're just part of my past. He's part of my past now.
So, if you wanna get over someone, pretend you're over him for a while and then time will come that you really would be, and you wouldn't even notice it happening. It's like, fake it 'til you make it.
It worked for me, who knows? it might work with you, too.
an unusual experience
I was sitting inside the bus when I felt someone's watching me. At first, I didn't want to look but after 10 mins. I could still feel the stare, so I decided to tell that person that I'm feeling uncomfortable.
I turned and saw a woman, maybe on her early 40's, weeping. She smiled when her eyes met mine. I was for a second, confused. Why would she smile at me? I even looked at my sides to see if the smile was for another passenger. But then I realized that I'm the only passenger on that side of the bus. So, definitely, she's smiling at me. I thought well, she's a woman and didn't look as if she wanted to harass me or something..in fact, she looked rich, dignified, nice...and lonely. So I smiled back. Then I saw tears on her eyes. I was like, "What did I do?". I know my smile isn't great but nor is it scary.
She then stood up and sat beside me. I noticed she had been into something stressful by the way she looked. She held my hand, smiled warmly and asked, "Can you sing the Happy Birthday song for me?"
I was tempted to say, "Excuse me?" For a moment, I thought I was dreaming and the lady was crazy. But I stopped myself. I know the woman had reasons for being like this. I can sense she's so..uhmmm..lonely.
Instead, I just said, "I don't sing well, Ma'am." She squeezed my hand and said, "Please?" Oh, the look on her eyes..pleading for me to sing. It's weird. It was as if...i'm the only one who could do it. I thought to myself, I'm just gonna sing a birthday song! It shouldn't be that hard.
So I sang. And she cried. I wanted to stop singing but she asked me to finish it. It's the first time I sang a birthday song to someone I barely know.
She was just looking at me the whole time. Then hugged me when I finished the song. She hugged me so tight that I couldn't help saying, "I can't breath." She let go of me and said, "Thank you." But before I can say, "You're welcome.", she touched my face.. my cheeks, nose, lips and eyes. She said, "You look like my daughter, Jane."
That's the time I understood everything. I was so insensitive I said, "Really? Where is she now?" I should have gotten it!
She said her daughter died a year ago from heart attack. I said I'm sorry for bringing it up. But I felt goosebumps! Was it just a coincidence that we were on the same bus? Or was it a freak joke? She started telling stories about her daughter that made me feel dizzy. Her daughter and I have a lot in common! She used to play piano and guitar like me..and we both like Canon. She even hummed the piece!
She showed me a picture of Jane and we really look alike. The only difference was our hair. Mine is black and long. Hers was brown, short and curly. And the picture looked old so I'm not sure if we have same eye color. No wonder the woman cried when she saw me. I reminded her of Jane.
Before she left, she kissed me on the forehead and said thank you. What she said last, I just understood few mins ago. She said, "Maybe I'm holding on to her too tight and she couldn't breath." I didn't know what to say. She smiled again and said "Take care, Sarah."
After few mins., I was like Oh my!!!!!! How did she know my name????!!! I sure didn't tell her and I didn't have an ID. And I didn't even know hers.
She's not a ghost.. her hands, I felt it! And her embrace, it was warm...Arghhhhhhh!
No, maybe I'm just over reacting. Maybe I told her my name... Maybe...uhmmm...Surely, there's an explanation for this, right? There should be! Arghhh! This is freaking me out.
Anyway, why am I freaking out? I wasn't harmed. I didn't feel scared. I just felt...weird and unusual. And I did something good. I mean, I made her realize that in order to move on, you have to let go. I'm sure Jane wouldn't like it if her mom's so upset and stuck in loneliness.
And maybe, that's my mission on her or on both of them. Think positive, Sarah! You're still in one piece!
I turned and saw a woman, maybe on her early 40's, weeping. She smiled when her eyes met mine. I was for a second, confused. Why would she smile at me? I even looked at my sides to see if the smile was for another passenger. But then I realized that I'm the only passenger on that side of the bus. So, definitely, she's smiling at me. I thought well, she's a woman and didn't look as if she wanted to harass me or something..in fact, she looked rich, dignified, nice...and lonely. So I smiled back. Then I saw tears on her eyes. I was like, "What did I do?". I know my smile isn't great but nor is it scary.
She then stood up and sat beside me. I noticed she had been into something stressful by the way she looked. She held my hand, smiled warmly and asked, "Can you sing the Happy Birthday song for me?"
I was tempted to say, "Excuse me?" For a moment, I thought I was dreaming and the lady was crazy. But I stopped myself. I know the woman had reasons for being like this. I can sense she's so..uhmmm..lonely.
Instead, I just said, "I don't sing well, Ma'am." She squeezed my hand and said, "Please?" Oh, the look on her eyes..pleading for me to sing. It's weird. It was as if...i'm the only one who could do it. I thought to myself, I'm just gonna sing a birthday song! It shouldn't be that hard.
So I sang. And she cried. I wanted to stop singing but she asked me to finish it. It's the first time I sang a birthday song to someone I barely know.
She was just looking at me the whole time. Then hugged me when I finished the song. She hugged me so tight that I couldn't help saying, "I can't breath." She let go of me and said, "Thank you." But before I can say, "You're welcome.", she touched my face.. my cheeks, nose, lips and eyes. She said, "You look like my daughter, Jane."
That's the time I understood everything. I was so insensitive I said, "Really? Where is she now?" I should have gotten it!
She said her daughter died a year ago from heart attack. I said I'm sorry for bringing it up. But I felt goosebumps! Was it just a coincidence that we were on the same bus? Or was it a freak joke? She started telling stories about her daughter that made me feel dizzy. Her daughter and I have a lot in common! She used to play piano and guitar like me..and we both like Canon. She even hummed the piece!
She showed me a picture of Jane and we really look alike. The only difference was our hair. Mine is black and long. Hers was brown, short and curly. And the picture looked old so I'm not sure if we have same eye color. No wonder the woman cried when she saw me. I reminded her of Jane.
Before she left, she kissed me on the forehead and said thank you. What she said last, I just understood few mins ago. She said, "Maybe I'm holding on to her too tight and she couldn't breath." I didn't know what to say. She smiled again and said "Take care, Sarah."
After few mins., I was like Oh my!!!!!! How did she know my name????!!! I sure didn't tell her and I didn't have an ID. And I didn't even know hers.
She's not a ghost.. her hands, I felt it! And her embrace, it was warm...Arghhhhhhh!
No, maybe I'm just over reacting. Maybe I told her my name... Maybe...uhmmm...Surely, there's an explanation for this, right? There should be! Arghhh! This is freaking me out.
Anyway, why am I freaking out? I wasn't harmed. I didn't feel scared. I just felt...weird and unusual. And I did something good. I mean, I made her realize that in order to move on, you have to let go. I'm sure Jane wouldn't like it if her mom's so upset and stuck in loneliness.
And maybe, that's my mission on her or on both of them. Think positive, Sarah! You're still in one piece!
So yesterday
I was surfing for songs when I stumbled into this "So Yesterday" song by HIllary Duff. After listening to it, I felt rejuvenated and positive that I'm way over him na. And I feel ok now. Funny!
I recommend this song to all girls who just had a break-up.
Girls, they're so yesterday! Hehe..
I recommend this song to all girls who just had a break-up.
Girls, they're so yesterday! Hehe..
I broke up with him
And I feel sad about it. It's hard to let go of someone special and very dear to you. I never thought it would be this hard for me. I didn't cry, but I felt a heartache. It's like crushing my heart into pieces. But I can't blame anyone but me. I broke up with him...because I love him so much. I asked him if he could still be my friend and he said yes. Then I told him that I'd rather be his friend than his guilty girlfriend. I broke up with him because I don't have time for him. I have a lot of things to do in school and work. And I know it's unfair on his part. I told him this. But he said I should only break up with him if that's what I really have to do and if it'll be beneficial for me and not because I want things to be better off on his end. And that he loves me and wants to be with me. But I know it's not that easy for both of us. I feel like crying right now because I know things will never be the same again. And he's not my boyfriend anymore. And just thinking of him being on dates is really pissing me off. But since I'm the one who broke up with him, I have no choice but to live with the fact that he's on his own now. And there's nothing between us now but friendship. I lost him..no, I pushed him away from me. And I have no right to feel this. I...I just wish things were different..and that I'm not this stupid..and hypocrite. And not this fickle-minded. Now I realize how much I love him. Now that he's gone... I broke up with him without even saying how much I love him. I blew it all. Now I'm left with the dust...covering me. I love you, Brent! I love you... I..I love you... I actually do... What have I done? I love him! And I blew up the only chance to be with him. How can I be this stupid? I can't do anything now. Oh, there's one thing though... I can just move on... But how?
We're stuck
It's only after fighting that one realizes how important the subject of the fight is for both of them. It's hard to explain a part of something without saying the whole thing. It's also hard to think of something that could be just anything. But it's harder to stay mad about it. It is the first time i've encountered a problem like this and it's driving me nuts.
From a man's point of view...
here are the rules from the male side.
1. Men are NOT mind readers.
1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down.You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
1. Sunday sports.. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.
1. Crying is blackmail.
1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!
1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a Problem. See a doctor.
1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 Days.
1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't Expect us to act like soap opera guys.
1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.
1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of them makes you sad or angry, then we meant the other one1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.
1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle, besides we know you will bring it up again later.
1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.
1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine...Really.
1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation,or golf.
1. You have enough clothes.
1. You have too many shoes.
1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!
1. Thank you for reading this.Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight; But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.
1. Men are NOT mind readers.
1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down.You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
1. Sunday sports.. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.
1. Crying is blackmail.
1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!
1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a Problem. See a doctor.
1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 Days.
1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't Expect us to act like soap opera guys.
1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.
1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of them makes you sad or angry, then we meant the other one1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.
1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle, besides we know you will bring it up again later.
1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.
1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine...Really.
1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation,or golf.
1. You have enough clothes.
1. You have too many shoes.
1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!
1. Thank you for reading this.Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight; But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.
It's Tuesday!
The moment you wake up, you decide if you want to start it with a smile or with a frowm. Well, I choose the first. So, it's really a good morning for me..
I finally said it...
I told him that I think I have fallen in love with him. I didn't know what came over me to say it, but I did nonetheless. But I said I'm letting him go now.
Nanny McPhee
I like the part when Nanny McPhee said, "When you don't want me, but need me, I'll stay. If you want me but don't need me, then I'll leave."
I love this movie. People can learn a lot from it specially families.
I hope there's part 2
I love this movie. People can learn a lot from it specially families.
I hope there's part 2
The Notebook
Most of us look for someone really good-looking, has the attitude and well, someone we can present to everyone. We have this standard or as girls call it, 'the list'. A real life fairytale waiting to happen. But don't you think we're forgetting something? Those physical attributes won't last forever and they'll fade sooner or later ( of course it depends on the lifestyle and everyday trouble..hehe..). And you wouldn't enjoy parading someone with Alzheimer's, right? Or someone who wouldn't even remember your name. Or someone who would probably want to stay at home, sit on the couch and watch TV than walk.
So, I was just thinking... it would really be a tough decision staying together..hehe. It would really be a big 'GOODLUCK'. And you'll be needing a lot of prayers and a good memory to always remember that once in your life, you chose to be with that person. And there's no turning back now.
So, what can we do? Simple. Choose someone who wouldn't just be your partner but also your bestfriend. Because, just like what a friend told me, at the end of the day, when you're all gray, all you would want to have beside you is a bestfriend, not a sexy girlfriend or a hunk boyfriend. Though the idea is appealing. But that's not what I'm saying. What I'm saying is that good things are not seen by the eyes but felt by the heart. But I'm not saying choose a blind partner either..hehe. . Hmp! Don't give me a hard time. I know you know what I mean, right? Well, I hope so.
Anyway, this is what i realized after watching 'The Notebook'
So, I was just thinking... it would really be a tough decision staying together..hehe. It would really be a big 'GOODLUCK'. And you'll be needing a lot of prayers and a good memory to always remember that once in your life, you chose to be with that person. And there's no turning back now.
So, what can we do? Simple. Choose someone who wouldn't just be your partner but also your bestfriend. Because, just like what a friend told me, at the end of the day, when you're all gray, all you would want to have beside you is a bestfriend, not a sexy girlfriend or a hunk boyfriend. Though the idea is appealing. But that's not what I'm saying. What I'm saying is that good things are not seen by the eyes but felt by the heart. But I'm not saying choose a blind partner either..hehe. . Hmp! Don't give me a hard time. I know you know what I mean, right? Well, I hope so.
Anyway, this is what i realized after watching 'The Notebook'
What a beautiful day!
Each waking is a miracle. And there's just so many things we have to be thankful for. Our life, family, friends and the things we posses. So, let's not waste it. Let's make the most of it. Anyway, I heard the song 'Lips of an Angel' and I like it. Hmmm...think I'll use it.
This morning...
After I got out of the bus, a man in his late 50's I think, approached me and asked, "May Tong Yang ka ba?" ( Do you have a Tong Yang account? ). And I was like really scared because why would someone ask you about your bank account at around 4 in the morning? Then I answered, "Wala po." (No, Sir.) Then I turned my back. The guy followed and said, "Pwede bang magpakilala?" (Can I introduce myself?). I had goosebumps! I thought the man was crazy! So I ran and left him.
Grrr... why are some people like that?
Grrr... why are some people like that?
I just wanna be passive about it...
...but I know I'm affected. It's something I didn't expect. It's funny how things turn out the other way around. He wanted me out of his reach. So, I left him. Yes, I do like him...and probably love him but I don't want to stay if he doesn't want me to. Anyway, there's no use being bitter about what happened. Instead, I wanna be free of him. So now, I'm whole heartedly letting him go....for good. And I wish him all the best in the world. I know he'll find the right one for him someday. This would be the last blog I'll make about him. I'll divert my mind with other things like school, work and church. In time, I'll forget him. And when I do, I know I'd be smiling when I think back. So, no more sad songs from now on.. hehe...
What a friend has taught me...
Love until you don’t care about the pain, until you stop expecting anything in return, until all that matters is loving that person the best way you can
Sunday, July 13, 2008
Let go...
To 'let go' does not mean to stop caring;
it means I can't do it for someone else.
To 'let go' is not to cut myself off;
it is the realization that I must not control another.
To 'let go' is not to fix;
but to be supportive.
To 'let go' is not to be in the middle
arranging all the outcomes;
but to allow others to effect their destinies.
To 'let go' is not to be protective;
it is to permit another to face reality.
To 'let go' is not to regret the past;
but to grow and live for the future.
To 'let go' is to fear less and love more.
Heartache
I've always had a hard time trusting a guy enough to be committed to him. For me they only bring trouble, sleepless nights and heartaches. I used to say, when i fall for someone, he'd be different. He'll show me what real love is. And would never hurt me. That things would fall in their proper places.
Then he came along. I thought he's different. I thought he's the one I've been waiting for all my life...Guess what? I thought it wrong.
Just when I'm ready to give it a try for the first time, setting aside all the warning bells in my mind...defending him from my own self...believing the best of him... feeling sorry for thinking the worst of him, he suddenly says something that really cuts deep in my heart.
Heartache.
I have never felt this way before, this is something I've been avoiding all my life. Guess I couldn't help ending up with it still. I knew this would happen to me..everybody goes through this..i just didn't expect he'd be the one to cause this..of all people.
It taught me things though...
- never assume anything
- a person is capable of hurting the other without him noticing it
- consider the thought of losing that special person
- listen to what your mind is telling you
But aside from the heartache he's given me, I still consider myself lucky. Because he came into my life and made me stronger. He taught me to love myself more than anything else.
So, while I'm typing this blog entry, my bitterness, sadness and heartache are slowly fading...
Maybe God just wants me to realize that he's not the right guy for me. : )
One more thing, not all heartaches should end with tears and bitterness. It could also end with a smile and appreciation for that person, just like now... : )
I don't care
That's what I've been telling myself these past few hours. I don't wanna care. But I end up doing the exact opposite. This is insane, unspeakable and crazy! Grrr... I don't wanna think about it. I just wanna be passive and let it pass. And I thought the brain can control the system. Know what? It's a lie. Teachers have been telling us the greatest lie in the world since kindergarten. Now, I'm blaming other people, great! Just great! I should stop typing. I might even blame the computer.
As I started to picture...
... the trees in the storm,the answer began to dawn on me. The trees in the storm don't try to stand up straight and tall and erect. They allow themselves to bend and be blown with the wind. They understand the power of letting go. Those trees and those branches that try too hard to stand up strong and straight are the ones that break. Now is not the time for you to be strong, Sarah, or you, too, will break.
Letting go doesn't mean we don't care. Letting go doesn't mean we shut down. Letting go means we stop trying to force outcomes and make people behave. It means we give up resistance to the way things are, for the moment. It means we stop trying to do the impossible--controlling that which we cannot--and instead, focus on what is possible--which usually means taking care of ourselves. And we do this in gentleness, kindness, and love, as much as possible.
How do I loathe thee? Let me count the ways.
1. You are so smart you make me think hard.
2. I think I'm starting to like you. And I hate it.
3. You said your emotions are safe with me, mine's not with you.
4. I told you this before, you make me crazy.
5. Just when I thought you turn me off, you'd do something that turns me on.
6. You're a male version of me.
7. You make me think at night.
8. We're waiting who's gonna do the first move, and I hate you for that.
9. You make me realize how much control i have in myself.
10. You make me smile even on the silly things.
In short, i think i miss you. So send me a message now!
The Promise
May 22, 2007
Yesterday, I promised to meet someone in California three years from now. We'll meet during the winter of December 2010. We decided that after we graduate in college, we'd meet. He'd teach me how to drive and skate.
This person is really special for me. A part of me wants to be with him everyday..talk to him everyday.. but the other part is saying that i should guard my heart.
I enjoy his company but at the same time i'm also cautious of being hurt in the end.
But i always say a prayer at night and let God guide me. I always say, 'Your will, not mine, be done.'
So if he's the right guy, then I'd be happy. If not, then I know God is working on providing me with a better one.
Y-O-U
Know what? I hate you. Not because of anything else but because i see myself in you. You really are the male version of me. And you're pissing me off! Why do you have to be like me?
The first time I met you, I already detest you. You were a snob and well, a bit cute, that i couldn't help but think of you as a prospective friend..well, not just friend really but I don't mind if we wouldn't be...like..yeah..more than friends. But that's not the issue.
I hate you but i hate myself more for hating you. I should not feel this way. I shouldn't even be writing this entry. But i can't help it. I need an output. You're a jerk for making me feel this way.
Why am I in this situation? Things are getting out of my hand that it's scary. No! I'm not falling for you...definitely not...shocks! i should not. i mean, I'm not. Am I? SSShhh!
I'm standing on the devil's mouth right now. Should I just let go and fall or hold on then turn my back? Would I be a coward or a believer?
I've always been optimistic..i know i'd get over this. I just don't know when. I hope not that long.
Yes, I think it would be best if i just forget about this feeling and move on. This is not right.
Love shouldn't be confusing.
Love shouldn't bring uncertainty.
Love shouldn't cause rocky emotions.
Love shouldn't be....shouldn't be like this...
Maybe this is just infatuation. Maybe this will fade. This is something I have to go through in order to distinguish love from infatuation, lust and flirting..or whatever.
Yes, I know this is the right thing to do in situations like this. Just....let go. SOmething more special and exclusively for you would surely come.
Afraid to love
i used to ask what's wrong with me. why can't i just be like any other normal girl? a girl who would easily say 'yes' to a guy she likes. the answer came eight minutes ago. yes, it took me 20 years to realize this.
i'm afraid to love.
i've heard a lot of boyfriend-girlfriend stories since grade school. some were successful for an hour, some for a day, some for a week, some for a month and some, for years. but eventually, it'd end for reasons like family, studies, immaturity and a third party. and i was sick and tired of it. i told myself, mine would be different. a lot different.
then i entered college. i met a lot of guys. have dated some. but none of them would pass for a boyfriend. it's all because i have this list of must- haves for a guy. i set up a standard for them. i kept telling myself, "they're not for me." when they wouldn't meet it. and so i was just disappointed in the end.
men are really pain in the ass. and there's no way i can change that. all i can do is just to choose the lesser one. hehe... i will not think about my list anymore. i'll just accept each guy that walks in my life as someone unique. someone who has a special character and i'll see from there.
but this doesn't mean i'll forget what my parents and my church taught me since childhood. i'll use those instead as a ladder in building a relationship with someone.
so i can still say, "mine would be different..a lot different."
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